Joking around

   My friend Jim took this picture of me in a store I like on Castro Street while we were waiting to see a movie at the wonderful and historic Castro theater here in San Francisco. The store carries quite a few cute and odd things, including a number of small hats like the one I am wearing in the picture below (they also had a cowboy hat and at least one other type that I can't remember now). I should add that it was entirely my idea that Jim and I should start trying these hats on, and that we should save them for posterity's sake by photographing ourselves wearing them. I am not trying to take away anything from my friend by saying this; I do this only to point out here that I tend to be more silly than the small group of friends that I have.
   If I was nothing but fun-loving, humorous and of good spirits, I would not be writing this blog piece, but I most certainly am not, and often times alternate between being nervous, angry, sad or depressed. During these times, I am usually anything but fun, and humor and silliness are far from my mind.
   I often think about these aspects of myself because they seem so far apart in spirit, and sometimes when I am feeling very happy and humorous, it occurs to me that I may be somewhat bipolar. It just seems like maybe my ups and downs are too dichotomous.
   There are plenty of times of course when I feel happy but not ecstatic, but it doesn't seem to be too often that I feel only somewhat down; these times don't seem to register and stay with me the way that the more animated emotions do, and I probably pay a lot more attention to the negative readings than the positive ones. I know all of this in a rational way when I think about it and the experiences that I've had, but it's certainly not something that I usually consider.
   Besides thinking of myself as bipolar in my extremes, I sometimes wonder if it's not just that I can sometimes just be truly happy; that this part of me is as real and genuine as the darker one, and that they coexist inside of me peacefully. I hope that this idea is a true one, even if I don't feel as peaceful as much as I would like to.

Mr. Silly Head